Anyone who’s ever watched the willful grip of depression overpower a spouse or partner knows what a frustrating, even frightening, experience that can be. It presents you with an uneasy trio of challenges: a) establishing whether your loved one is, in fact, depressed; b) trying to get him or her to seek help; and c) maintaining your own well-being.

“The hard part is, I started blaming myself for what my husband was going through,” says Maya (not her real name), a New York artist whose spouse has had at least two episodes of depression. “I’m his wife, not a stranger. And I thought conveying that alone-that I’m there for him-would be enough. But it’s not. And what complicates it is we all have needs. When somebody’s depressed, he can’t even be there for himself; how can you expect him to be there for you?”

Maya, at least, was able to detect her husband’s depression. But as is true of alcoholism, depression engenders denial among the various parties to it. So the nondepressed half of a duo must first accept the possibility that his significant other could be in danger. That means keeping an eye out not only for the classic symptoms-loss of appetite, problems with sleeping, etc.-but for the sometimes subtle ways depression manifests itself.

“Watch for more of a focus on the downside of things in day-to-day conversation, for example,” says psychologist Norman Epstein of the University of Maryland’s family-studies department. Small changes in a person’s routine could be a clue, such as spending more time in front of the television than usual. Don’t dismiss anything that strikes you as odd, experts say. “It’s important to trust your gut reactions and take those feelings seriously,” cautions Epstein.

Once you believe a problem exists, the next step is to convince the love of your life that professional help might be in order. If your spouse has never been in therapy and is male, this could be an uphill battle. “Men will call a plumber but won’t call for help with a personal problem,” notes Ralph Carl Mumpower, an Asheville, North Carolina, clinical and family psychologist. But gender aside, reaffirming your devotion to your loved one, Mumpower says, could ease him into therapy: “Let him know that his welfare matters to you. Let him first feel safe in informing you about how he feels.”

What not to do? “Don’t call him `sick’ or `crazy,'” warns Constance D. Wood, a Houston psychologist who has counseled families for more than thirty years. “People don’t need to be labeled; they need to be helped.”

And if they continue to resist? “Uhhh,” is California psychologist Teri Wright’s knowing response to an all-too-common dilemma for caring partners. Among the few short-term options, experts agree, is to reiterate your concern; get other family members to reaffirm their own love through expressions of support; and be concrete in pointing out how the pall of depression is keeping him or her from the things he or she normally enjoys-always in nonjudgmental terms (i.e., “I know how much you love playing the piano,” versus “How come you never play the piano anymore?”).

If the symptoms persist for a matter of weeks, it may be time to get the help of your physician, a trusted clergyman or someone else outside the family circle who can validate your concerns. But if at any point in the downward spiral a person brings up suicide-or, as Wright chillingly puts it, “gets out his gun collection just to take a look at it”-action must be taken, even if that means dialing 911 in the most desperate of scenarios. (Under state laws, a person can be held involuntarily for up to ninety hours in a psychiatric facility if he’s deemed a threat to himself or others.)

It’s no wonder that the path of depression can exact a tremendous toll on any man or woman who’s had to travel it within kissing range of someone he or she loves. Fortunately, there are support groups for the families of people battling depression. (Ask your physician or contact your local mental-health department for referrals.) Indeed, help is widely available today to both the person trapped by depression and the person who’d most like to set him free. With therapy, Maya’s husband has been able to finally elude the darkness of his condition. “You gain a deeper understanding of just what commitment means,” reflects Maya. “You love the whole person-he’s the one I love. He’s not his depression, even though it’s sometimes a part of him.”

Those who’ve faced Maya’s challenge know that tears will be inevitable. But chances are they’ll eventually be followed by the sound of your lover’s laughter making a sweet comeback. As Teri Wright observes: “When I see people getting their sense of humor back, I know they’re getting better.”